SEXUAL | Why The Incest Post Matters | Hot

Posted: 23 Nov 2012 08:23 AM PST

My last month of posting as been very revealing.

I stop now to consider why and what it means.

I am not an exhibitionist. I understand what it means were my name to be linked publicly to this blog. It would certainly have social, professional, and at what time, political implications. The anonymity allows me to probe my soul and the public nature of the diary allows me to share and, I hope, others to benefit.

It is a risk I am willing to take. And, actually, it did one time happen that my name was linked to this blog. It took months of efforts to get the links removed and out of Google's caches. Fortunately, for me, the disclosure was accidental and not malicious.

I have said this time and again here. I do not believe that any amount of self knowledge will keep me sober. I therefore do not believe that therapy is an efficacious response to compulsive behavior. The knowledge that will keep me sober is of the warning signs that precede compulsive sex coupled with having an action plan once I notice my thinking has fallen into one of these thought patterns. I think pretty much all intellectualism beyond that is a waste.

So, why do I keep coming back to my history to try to understand my addiction? I know that there is no understanding and that why I am a sex addict is fundamentally unknowable. I accept that. I assertively postulate that "why" is unknowable. The answer does not exist.

The incest post, my last post, cataloged my "sexual" contact with the women in my family and extended family. It was the first time that the I had applied the word "incest" to me. The post made me realize that incest took other forms than just a father having sex with his young daughter. Incest is in fact broader than that. In thinking about it, I also realized that from a young age, I was predatory. I was no less a captive to my personality, and was no less harmed by it, than the women I singled out and acted out with sexually.

I suspect that the taboo of incest has a well founded familiar and social purpose. I suspect it developed has a taboo to keep young children safe in their families. I suspect that even before there was social science there was empirical understanding that this conduct was harmful. Or, maybe that is just my 21st century eyes. Maybe the taboo came from mothers who did not want to be in competition with their daughters because that would drive the family apart. Perhaps it is a biblical prohibition. I don't know.

In any event, I look back now and know that even then I knew my behavior was wrongful, yet I persisted. I was careful not to get caught. I certainly never mentioned it to anyone. I did it every chance I could. I faintly remember when I was a little older trying to stop. I recall shame. I know that the aunt that I would act out with again and again was always a little bit of a troubled child (and still is).

That last paragraph should look familiar. Those of been the patterns of my relationships. I still do this-40 years later. I still seek out and pray on marginal women. I still do not disclose those relationships. I still wish I could stop, but can not. I still have shame over my conduct.

This just tells me how deep this conduct runs in my personality. It might help explain who I am. It is a valuable insight. It is apparently who I am.

How powerless I feel.

How sad I feel.

Broken.

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Jumat, 23 November 2012

SEXUAL | Why The Incest Post Matters | Hot

SEXUAL | Why The Incest Post Matters | Hot

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